Ghost of “Fat” past

Do you ever feel like you’re being punished for your past mistakes? Not to get all “Lifetime” movie on anybody… but, lately, I’ve really been contemplating that.

I had an appointment with my surgeon this week. It’s been over three years since I had excess skin removed as a result of a 90lb weight loss. I wanted to have a consultation about having skin from my arms removed. 

This consultation really hit me hard. This, in combination with a lot of other incidents, has really been putting things into perspective for me:  I switched health insurance plans, recently. I went back to Anthem, which was the insurance I tried to get several years ago. They denied me because I was “morbidly obese” by their standards. So, when I was re-applying they had my “old” weight of 230lbs on file.  I had to have a doctor weigh me and fax it in to the company to verify my weight loss. I’m happy to even have health insurance, but it made me sad. I’ve been healthy for 3 and a half years… yet I’m still being held accountable for my past.

It’s like I can’t escape it. It’s on my permanent record: “Obese.”

I got the health insurance 🙂 …but I had to jump through hoops, schedule appointments, pay out-of-pocket for the expenses for the doctor’s time to prove my weight loss… it’s frustrating.

Getting back to the consultation with my surgeon, she gave me a quote on what the procedure would cost for an arm lift. It’s considerably less than what I thought, and it’ll be a cake walk in comparison to my last procedure… Fact of the matter is, I’m still too much in debt to proceed with the surgery… I could do it, but I’m already struggling to make it as it is. Why torture myself by adding $5000 more to my debt? It would not be smart, to say the least.  And, again, I feel like I’m being punished.

I wouldn’t be in this kind of debt in the first place, if it weren’t for my obesity. My obesity has cost me so much more money than being healthy ever did. I ate my way up to 230lbs… it’s no one’s fault but my own.  I lost the weight, but I’m still living with the consequences of those bad decisions. I’m forever indebted to my former self.

How different would my life had been if I had taken personal responsibly for myself and my choices at an earlier age? I don’t dwell on it but, again, I’ve been thinking about it more in light of recent events… I can’t express how proud I am for losing 90lbs and keeping it off. I can’t express how grateful I am to have had my initial surgery and had the means, at that time, to finance it. I can’t express how much more I love life now. Truly, I can’t. Life is good… My life is good.

…I just have my moments when the emotion of it all catches up with me.

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